etude of a menagerie on the milky way

I feel like I just put my expectations way too high for today. Like, if I don’t see any snow tonight or tomorrow morning, I’m going to cry. Like, come on, weather gods! There is NO WAY that I’m going through AN ENTIRE WINTER without snow. I’m not giving up without a snow day and neither should you!! Anyways, a new vlog featuring him was uploaded yesterday and it was the gift exchange for the year. He received a crockpot and a Splatoon vinyl, which I’m really jealous of. Mostly because of my love for the Splatoon soundtrack. When he received it, he also mentioned The Beatles, which are two ways to get to my heart. Hmm, I love him. I wish I had friends to have a gift exchange with. Now I want a video that is just him cooking while Chef Kawasaki’s theme plays in the background. I’d love that so much and probably go back to it every once in a while. Ah, right. Today is the 53rd Super Bowl. I prefer watching the commercials and halftime show, since American Football is kinda boring. But, I guess I hafta care about the actual game since one of the teams are the Los Angeles Rams. Since I am a casual Team LA fan, go Rams! Let’s go, LA, let’s go! Y’know, this upcoming week is my birthday week and I’m kind of scared. Will he start to upload again? Will I go back to school? What will happen this Saturday? Will I get anything for my birthday? Is anything good going to happen on my birthday? Will it snow on Monday morning? Please let this week be a good week... Speaking of the halftime show, I’ve heard that it was a big disappointment. Makes me glad that I didn’t watch it, ‘cause if I did, my mood would be plummeting. Just checked the score, and we’re tied. Great... And now we’re losing. I am upset. Please stop losing. I need some cheering up, STAT. Please don’t let this game be a bad omen for the week. Oh, right. This month’s Splatfest is this weekend, which is way too soon. I need cheering up. I need snow. I need... to listen to his voice. Keep on Dreaming. 2-3-19 ⭐ (hey, look. 2319.) P.S. It’s much later and we’re supposedly going to get snow somewhere between my birthday and next sunday. Alright. Why does the splatfest and snow have to be on the same week?

Earlier today, I woke up to snow. Hell yeah. Luckily, I took a picture of it before it melted. There needs to be a snowstorm this weekend. Then I’ll have another thing to associate that particular Saturday with. I also watched another vlog, which had a small miracle during it: a name thing that featured both his and my names. It may be the only time that would ever happen. Speaking of him and miracles, he finally announced his next Let’s Play, which is a Zelda game that I’ve read the manga of, and I remember really liking it, so I’m pretty excited for it. Mostly because I can genuinely listen to his voice on my birthday and the next couple of months in general. And maybe while I go to Disneyland. Ah, he. I love him. It’s a coincidence that I’ve been craving cake lately since the day after tomorrow’s my birthday. Fun. I wonder if I can miraculously get a reply from him as a birthday present. The greatest birthday present of all: recognition from him. Keep on Dreaming. 2-5-19 ⭐

There’s two things that I should do eventually: start watching Tidying Up w/ Marie Kondo and maybe start learning to play the bass guitar left-handed. I love the sound the bass guitar makes. So smooth and sometimes super iconic. Still, I really need to start watching that show. My mom would be really proud of me when she sees how clean my room would be. (Haha, rhyming.) Anyways, there was a couple of vlogs with him uploaded today. One with a thumbnail of him and his friend’s mother hugging, and I could almost FEEL that hug from his expression. (I aspire to actually feel it one day.) Another one with bowling. I’m not really into bowling, except for any and all references to Wii Bowling, like those two vines. But he... what a beautiful, soft, comforting man... Speaking of him, the first episode of the new let’s play was uploaded. In which I stupidly slept over the time it was actually uploaded and had to watch it an hour late. That’s the only thing I feel guilty for being late to. Tomorrow’s my birthday. Yay. I don’t have any plans, actually. Other than getting a hug from my mom as soon as humanly possible, getting food from the Cheesecake Factory, and hopefully getting a very specific cake. (Oh boy, 3am) Keep on Dreaming. 2-6-19 ⭐

Today was pretty eventful for a birthday. My birthday. First, we went to the store, and it was very cold when we actually walked over there from the car. Then we came back home to enjoy some Five Guys, and once it was 2 PM, I was smiling for the next hour and a half, since I was watching his new collab and solo videos. I even got the exact drink I wanted from Starbucks. After that, there was a really close hockey game that we won via shoot-out. Oh, and I got a squishy pink cat plushie and the exact cake I wanted from the store. Overall, it was a pretty satisfactory birthday. Hopefully we can go to the mall before it starts snowing again. Keep on Dreaming. 2-7-19 ⭐

I just had the most chaotic, anxiety-inducing hour. We went to the store, where it was all crowded like Black Friday since there’s going to be a lot of snow this weekend. I got lost a couple of times, too. I’m just glad we got out of there. On the way home, it was all rainy and snowy. It was practically a mess. Keep on Dreaming. 2-8-19 ⭐

I already had this idea numerous times, but learning how to play the bass guitar sounds like a cool idea. Maybe I can start learning it when I go back to school. Anyways, this weekend was kinda underwhelming. It made me feel that the chaotic time at the store was pretty unnecessary. I have Nine in the Afternoon stuck in my head again, and can’t stop thinking about one of my characters secretly being a werewolf... and the bassline to Seasick. Keep on Dreaming. 2-10-19⭐

So, there was an announcement about the panel that those guys host, and they’re actually going touring with that panel. Okay, great. But, the same two problems still stop me in my tracks: I don’t have anyone to go with, and the tickets are likely too expensive. They’re probably not going to Oregon, anyway. Literally none of the musicians that I like do. But still, tickets to see them live... would be a pipe dream come true... (geez, it’s raining hardcore...) Anyways, I would love to see a tour vlog. I want to see if the hype over there matches the Squid Sisters/Off the Hook concerts. Speaking of touring, it seems that everyone on YouTube is doing that. Is it safe calling my crush on him a celebrity crush now? ‘Cuz my few chances of meeting him are going down the drain. But, do you know what would be pretty cool, but absolutely bonkers? If I joined the concert part, playing bass guitar. Or if I miraculously got VIP tickets, if those were to exist. (Please, don’t get too popular or too busy...) He’s really my lover from the world of dreams, isn’t he? Sigh... Keep on Dreaming. 2-11-19 ⭐(why are my dreams becoming more and more impossible to achieve? But, they are going to come true eventually, right? Why’s it so difficult to achieve one simple task? Are we still going to have a Colosseum marathon?)

So, today, I got the info for the music lessons place, and now I really want to start learning the bass guitar. But, I have to go to school to actually start the lessons... And, there’s a direct tomorrow, at the worst possible time: 2pm, better known as when he uploads. I think what I’ll do is focus on his upload of the day while the direct is playing in the background. Speaking of the direct, here’s my direct announcement wish list:

(the third thing is more of a pipe dream, but a girl can dream, can she? Actually, the first four all sound like pipe dreams... wait, not really.) Keep on Dreaming. 2-12-19 ⭐

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Or how it is to someone who opens up to absolutely no one, just another regular day. (goddammit, I had something building up and then I forgot. Oh, wait...) There’s a simple, short story I like to bring up during Valentine’s Day. One Valentine’s Day party, a couple years ago back in Elementary, these kids were chugging down Fun Dip powder. It turned out that one kid chugging down Fun Dip powder had a dentist appointment to attend to. I’d imagine that the appointment was less fun than usual. (hah, yeah, not funny.) I just spent today watching the regular stuff I usually watch on YouTube. I also watched a spin-off of animal documentaries like Planet Earth called Round Planet on Netflix, since I asked my mom to log in to it a couple days ago. I gotta say, it was quite a good decision. Mostly because I can watch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. And The Office. And the John Mulaney comedy specials I see being referenced a lot on Tumblr. All by myself, so I can experience what it truly means to Netflix and Chill, as the cool kids say. Anyways, y’know what a good month is? March. I was looking through pictures from March 2017 and I remember all of the days with nice, sunny weather. Then I remember that we’re going to Disneyland in March, then I think, “Hell yeah.” I just realized that March is the only month that I don’t have listed on here, and then it comes back full circle to April. Hmm. Perhaps one day I can find a man who’s as trustworthy, safe, humorous, generous, comforting, and kind as the one I have a blatant crush on. That would be nice. And a dream come true for that sake. Actually finding him is the difficult part. Keep on Dreaming. 2-14-19 ⭐ (Sunny southern California. What a nice thought.)

So, I’m going back to school on Tuesday. Great. Why so soon? At least I can get a new pair of earbuds. I also started watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo earlier today, and it actually feels like I can legitimately clean my room when I set some time for actually cleaning it. Also, my mom showed me the menu for the Boudin Bakery over at San Francisco. She was also looking at a hotel over there and I got so many flashbacks to a comic book that I’ve read that takes place over there. This weekend shall be very pleasant indeed. Keep on Dreaming. 2-15-19 ⭐

So, my mom showed me pictures from this really cool store that’s about thirty minutes away from here. It’s like Daiso Japan but probably smaller. Hopefully we can go over there this weekend. And go to the mall, too. Like I mentioned yesterday, I’m going back to school tomorrow and that made me feel pretty somber and sickly. Please let me stay alive for the next 4 and a half months of school and three emotionally and energetically taxing hours... And please let me be successful. Both with grades and making a good friend along the way. Anyways, do you know what would be really cool? Having a daily conversation over text with him. It’s so cool that my leg is bouncing really hard at the thought of it. Keep on dreaming. 2-18-19 ⭐

So. I had to go to school to get/make my school schedule earlier today. It’s not too shabby, but I have a few nitpicks about it. A.) The distance between Art and Math is too much for me to handle in a couple of minutes. B.) I still have the same Physics teacher from before. I just can’t handle Physics in general. I just can’t stand the fact that I have that class tomorrow, and C.) There’s no break between 1 and 2:30. So that’s why I decided to not start tomorrow. I’m not emotionally capable to go after such a long absence. At least I don’t have that one class with 90 other kids. The classwork was too chaotic for me to handle. And homework based. Yuck. Hopefully nobody noticed my 2 and a half month absence. Hopefully nobody noticed my existence in general. I’m not really that pleasant. The only reason why I want to go back to school is so I can be a fly on the wall since High School is known for having crazy stories. Like the Mrs. Mormino one I’ve seen online. Sure, there’s a slight chance that any of those stories can be fake, but still. The other reason why is because I really wanna start bass guitar lessons. Perhaps I can be in a band one day. Anyways, on to something much better and more pleasant in general. Today in the collab video it was brought up that the married one in the group was the only one that had an older sibling, which my crush and I thought was really cute. Speaking of my crush, his video for today had this one puzzle which was so unique that he had a (5 second) live-action thing to show how unique it was. The live action thing was an obviously welcome surprise. Y’know, this always happens in the collab videos, but whenever something personal is brought up, literally no one in the comments but me seems to notice. Could I really be the only one who noticed? (and cared, for that matter.) Keep on Dreaming. 2-19-19 ⭐ (Do you know what I could go for right now? An escape to Santa Barbara so I won’t have to deal with school... I can’t wait to return to California... If we’re still going. Ugh, I’m getting choked up...)

words to describe my current mood: A.) Scared. B.) Nervous. C.) Conflicted. So. I, of course, didn’t return to school today. Because of that, the consequences of me doing the same tomorrow are ridiculously dire. It scares me, and I’m not sure if I should go or not, because I’m not sure if my mom is guilt-tripping me again or not. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not, but nevertheless, I’m about to cry. I’m probably about to cry myself to sleep, too. Who knew that going somewhere just to learn something could bring too much emotion. I mean, Southern California is obviously my happy place, and I can and will drop everything and anything just to go back, but THIS. This is too much. You just can’t rest the fate of something that sparks immense joy on something that brings too much pressure to me. You cannot. I will do anything to conquer my dreams somewhat, but I absolutely won't do that. I miss California. I miss the carefree, joyful feelings I have when I'm over there. I almost feel invincible and unstoppable. If I had the bravery to, I'd pack my stuff and run there. Then I could restart life like I've been wanting to for about 2 months now. When I'm over there, I could conquer both of my dreams. Of meeting my lover from the world of dreams, and enjoying a peaceful life. I want to hear their voices, so I’m skipping school yet again. I’m not up to going to school tomorrow. I can't handle such pressure. Keep on Dreaming. 2... 20... 2019 ⭐

Y’know, I feel kind of hopeful for once. Tonight, I saw a meteor when we were about to get some food, and I feel like the chances of me getting what I wished for has increased, based on the minimal odds of me seeing it. I’m praying that what my mom said were just scare tactics and that we are actually going to California. Ooh, y’know what I just thought? How amazing it would be if I went to E3 and Disneyland on the same week. With an added bonus of being near him!! Talk about the best week ever. Dreams can, should, and will happen. All I need to do is believe. I know it sounds super cheesy, but it’s true. Keep on Dreaming. 2-21-2019⭐

So, earlier today, he announced that he was going to a family gathering during the first week of March. My first thought was, “Oh my god, he’s gonna meet his dad!” It’s a bit crazy to me, since he’s told a bunch about his dad and his relationship with him. He’s also told a lot about his mother, but I feel that him being with his dad for the first time in over a decade is more surprising. What would his dad think of him, knowing who he is now? Y’know, I also wonder if we’ll ever see what his parents even look like. It’s a pretty big long shot, but who knows. Just a late-night speculation. Keep on Dreaming. 2-23-19 ⭐ (new headphones! Hallelujah!)

Y’know something great? Day 2 of when we go to Disneyland. That’s when we go to get Santa Barbara Chicken Ranch and go to the beach. But there’s also something that’s just as great: the feeling I get when we arrive at the hotel. There’s something magical about seeing all the hotels and all the people that makes me so very happy. Like the next time we go to In-n-Out. Mmm, yes. Anyways, there were pieces of the last two days that were pretty great. First, there was the Oscars, where pretty much everyone was, and it was amazing. Then, there was a part of yesterday where I was just chilling, with a soft blanket and some pretzels, just watching The Office. Just as amazing. Oh, right. It was snowing, too. Too bad it didn’t stick. It’s crazy how I’m seeing snow and warm sunny skies within a month. Hmm. Also, earlier today, a Thrown Controllers recording was uploaded, and it made me think how I would feel if I was picked to participate. I’d probably faint when him and I make eye contact for .3 seconds. Eh, just a thought. Keep on dreaming. 2-26-19⭐ (February’s almost ending? Damn.)

So, I just set myself up in a promise that I most likely won’t appeal to. Yeah, you guessed it: going back to school. I absolutely cannot seem to get myself to go there. But, if I miraculously do, god forbid I shed a tear that someone would notice. God forbid. Y’know, I wonder how he’s doing with his family, at the gathering thing. I wonder how the interactions with his parent(s) has been. Anyways, y’know that “breaking the ice” phrase? Then, assume that I’m the ice. Furthermore, I am like the ice caps, once frozen and tough to go through, now ready to melt down at any given moment. I guess. Ah, crap. How am I supposed to go through this crapshoot? I fear the glares other people give. I fear the “Oh, welcome back!!! It’s so nice to see you again!!!” said amongst blatant lies. I fear the oncoming nausea, and the utter shame of my lunch seeing light again via disgusting humility. I fear becoming lost in endless schoolwork. I just fear the overall experience of school in general. Like, why are we here, if only to suffer? To suffer for topics that could become meaningless in mere years. Aw, dammit. I had something here and I lost it. God forbid that no other mortal witnesses my meaningless debauchery that has totaled up into nothing. (what even is that sentence???) Anyways, that was nothing but your weekly Poetry Corner with an Autistic Weirdo, signing out. Keep on dreaming. 2-28-19 ⭐ (March 2019... don’t you dare even think about disappointing me.)